“I Thought I Raised You Better!”
A mother exclaims to her 15-year-old daughter, "I raised you better than this," after discovering she has been doing (Insert Infinite Possibilities Here) behind her back. In my work with many adolescents and their parents, I frequently observe this pattern. Teens often appear distant, rejecting, and annoyed when interacting with their parents. However, in therapy sessions, they reveal a different perspective, expressing remorse for their actions while also striving for independence from their parents' judgment and discipline.
The parent will oftentimes tell the therapist something like, “I never know what is going on with her; she does not talk to me anymore. I know that she is doing things behind my back. I am so worried she might hurt herself or turn into (insert past memory/person). I did everything to prevent this because I wanted better for her than what I had. I feel like I failed as a mom.”
Meanwhile, the adolescent reflects on a narrative reminiscent of the "vintage" vibes of Linkin Park, with lyrics that capture their mood and experiences:
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
When both parties come together in therapy, I aim to understand their perspectives on the world and identify any recurring issues or obstacles they might be struggling with.
A lot of times I discover that the adolescent is doing far less worse than the parent imagines, actually does care about turning out good and has goals, and totally stinks at communicating all the things they are grateful for about their parents.
Meanwhile, the parent often feels overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety about countless possibilities, may be influenced by their own unresolved childhood trauma, and may be projecting these issues onto their child. Despite the current situation, they have actually done a commendable job managing the household.
Through education, open communication, and normalizing the experience for both the child and the parent, we can achieve restoration and greater ease in navigating these complexities. When the parent feels more confident, less fearful of external judgment, and more connected with their child, conflicts tend to diminish. They leave equipped with tools to handle future challenges more effectively.
References:
Linkin Park. "Numb." Meteora, Warner Bros. Records, 2003.
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